If you cant beat Malema laugh.

Julius the Greatest of all time AKA GOAT!

I made my way to the Revolutionary house where Julius "the GOAT" Malema has expressed his opinions concerning the World cup based in South Africa in 2010- I wanted to say FIFA but I think I'd be breaking licensing laws, actually I don’t even know if Im allowed to say Twenty ten!?! But the GOAT did speak nevertheless.

In a proposition The Goat made to FIFA President http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sepp_Blatter it was stated that the tickets for the World Cup are to be nationalized and given to less fortunate Saffricans in a bid to bring a more equal opportunity shadow over the tournament. Included in the tickets to be nationalized are not only tickets owned by foreign visitors to the event but also tickets held by South African’s.

Apart from tickets, Stadiums are under threat from ANCYL number 2 Floyd Shivambu. It was noted that the toilets in Cape Town stadiums only have 1-ply loo paper and thus shall all be broken down. For the time being, empty milk cartons will be made available for guests to relieve themselves.

A merry time was had by all thereafter as chorus’ of “shoot colonialist John Terry” echoed through the corridors. At this time Christiano Ronaldo was asked to leave the room for touching a Bafana player on his soccer pitch.

A Hooker named Hore.

Andrew Hore deserves a home at Coca Cola Park, unfortunately the All Black franchises hang on to any valuble players they have. Hookers are renowned for selling their souls weekly for mandrax in our city centre. This selling of souls has become quite catchy and now fullbacks, fly-halves and loose-trios can be seen embaressing their forefathers infront of a semi-empty grand stand on the corner of Hillbrow and Berea.

I have heard of such shows in Amsterdam and wanted to give it a bash with my girlfriend and our friends. Just like in the movies, the act was indulged by proffessionals like Rose, Herkie, Baywatch and Luus. Rose was continually up-ended and Herkie "I come from a broken Home" Kruger rogered everyone around him, too much depth.

The sordid affair left everyone hurt and a little ashamed. We hung our heads low as Rose used all the momentum and skill he could summon from the bag of tricks which brought him forward during Craven week as South Africa's answer to the questions surrounding the development of mixed race porn... sorry, rugby, and ran himself directly into a defender who was so surprised by the "run into the tackler" tactic and shat on the turf. I wish my 45kg mother could fight Rose in a street fight and teach him a lesson.

If you can tell im tired of writing about the Lions by substituting sexual inuendos into the text then you were probably watching the same game. The more I complain every week the more the coaching staff sell our best players and send our scouts to hunt down the world's most ridiculous non-stars. And after they try as best they can to retain the worst starting line-up for consistency, consistent loss at home, to franchises like the Griquas and a Sharks team- missing their entire front row, fly half, centre and parts of their bench to Springbok selection.

After a leaderless series of games for Herkie, this weekend, a game 3 too many in his non-existent career, will see an end to the Lions attempt at a Currie cup semi final. Fortunately the league is weak at the bottom and even the Golden franchise couldn't hunt relegation with the Leopards and the Kavaliers (nearly beat us 19-13) doing nothing but tackle and miss tackles toward a lower division next year.

And Earl rose wears a scrum cap. wearing a scrum cap without scrumming is like fucking for virginity.

And he wears gloves, seriously.

Its all about the Benkenstein.

Last night's flacid performance left me quite, well, for lack of a better phrase, at home. See when i was 8 years old, I got up in the early hours of the morning to watch the semi final between South Africa and England at the SCG in Sydney. It was a magical tournament, sponsored by Benson & Hedges- in a time when smoking was cool. Rain interrupted play before the last ball of the 43rd over. South Africa then required 22 runs off 13 balls for victory. With 2 overs lost to rain, the target was reduced to 21 runs from only 1 ball. Sweet. Go home. No surprise that a South African later developed the Duckworth Lewis system for rain interupted games.

We started the 1996 world cup in the sub-continent with 5 consecutive victories, all of them total white-washes. We moved on to the quarter finals where we were to meet a West Indian side who, in their last game, had lost to an unknown Kenyan side after being bowled out for 93. They whipped us in no uncertain terms. Lara bewildered the attack with a decadent 111 (he was dropped early in his innings, obviously). I missed the last 15 overs of this game due to the fact that i was in a std. 4 Mrs. Whitcomb driven, History lesson. Like i need to know about the great trek. Idiots.

In 1999, we had to endure the Proteas losing to the Australians once, and in the next fixture, the semi, We watched Lance Klusener turn water into wine. Chasing a 213, we lost too many wickets too quickly. Zulu hit 31 off 16 to leave us with 3 balls to score 1 run. Chaos ensues, run out of spectacular proportions, match tied. Go home. Fans still cheering, pass out and wake up the next day.
2003 was in our own back yard. Game 1, Windies vs Proteas. As in '96, Lara bludgened 116 to give South Africa an inappropriate loss. New Zealand whop us in the rain and the cherry of all cherries, as in '99 we tie a match in a Duckworth Lewis affected match. Ok, that tournament was a scary combination of sick events. Stay home.

2007 was a crime, we never even looked like winning. We did however get to the Semi's, but after floundering to 27 for 5 we only managed to post 149. They embarressed us and we came home from the Caribbean still red around the neck from choking. In the same year we were eliminated from the inaugural Twenty20 cricket World Championship because of Net run rates. yeah, i know.

So see, there was no way we could ever have gone on to the final of the 2009 ICC World Twenty20 last night. It would have gone against everything i have ever learnt and held dear about my precious Proteas. GO THE FUCK HOME!!!

Fear not, Cricket was included in the 1998 Commonwealth Games in Malaysia; this was the first (and, to date, only) time that cricket has been played at a Commonwealth Games. Dale Benkenstein was in that squad, put that in your pipe and smoke. I dont know what im even saying anymore. Just dont be upset, its not the player's fault, or the coach or the pitch or the system. Its just the way it is.

Custard Blooded Lions.

R460 worth of tickets on the east stand. Im looking at them, 16:30pm Wednesday afternoon, and im like a schoolboy, ready for the game at Coca Cola park against the British and Irish Lions. I have promised my girlfriend an event of proportions, seeing this touring squad happens less than once a decade. We drive to the ground, traffic was well managed by JMPD, wow Berea and Hillbrow make me feel comfortable. Calm car gaurds usher us into a vacant parking area and ask for R20 to watch the car.

We weren't haggled on the way to the ground and finding our seats was simple thanks to all the officials guiding us to our part of the ground. Once seated, the game kicks off and yes, I like this old Transvaal-style kit. Intense pressure from our loose forwards... we turn it over... Vermaak moves the ball to Pretorius who makes one of his trademark insteps toward the try-line... tackled well but supported by the entire tight five- the ball comes out quickly... moves through the backline and Ludik finishes it off in the corner. 23 000 spectators scream in ferocious unity. 78 minutes of this and im exhausted, we win a well contested match 23 - 17. Even Craig Joubert had a decent match.

I wake up on my keyboard, it 16:53pm and i have drooled on the tickets, up and off to the ground. No JMPD around, traffic jams aplenty and only a third of the tickets have been sold- what will happen in 10 days time when they expect three times this amount of people for the opening of the Confed cup? Aggresive car gaurds corner us into a side road and demand R50, i give them R20. Constantly aware of potential muggers and shouting mandrax mentalists, we pace towards the turnstyles. Cant find our seats but at only a third capacity we grab some vacant ones and sit. Starving, we opt for the semi-cooked prego rolls. no sauce. R50. Fanta and Sprite. R20. 30 grams sliced biltong R30. So many vendors i can barely see the field. "They dont put up with this shit at Loftus", my girlfriend reminds me.

Kick Off :D YES PLEASE!!! We win a scrum in their 22. "FUCK YEAH", the schoolboys behind me are getting into it a little more vocally than im prepared to. Sephaka drops his shoulder, turn over, major counter deep into our half. Scurried defense. Ludik clears. He isn't getting up. Wait, things are going poorly, i can see the holes, and why are they so lacklustre? There goes O'Driscall, wow he runs beautifully, under the posts. 60 - 10. WHAT? 6 minutes to go, we leave, my heart, Im shattered. The years of depressive Lions support summed up, im losing it.

Once outside the ground we hear the crowd, more points! The only bit of luck is that our car is the only one not triple-parked-in. We drive out of Johannesburg CBD. The radio tells us of a final try after the one we heard. 74 - 10. Sometimes i wish i was born in Pretoria, but Blue is not my colour.

BullBoarding.

Wow, what a strange sensation, being in a rugby stadium at capacity. I mean, who knew!?! Paying at computicket and not buying from some gaurd scalping shoddy "behind-the-posts" stubs. Queuing outside the stadium, and in the tunnel and, well, everywhere as opposed to only at the beerstand, and sitting amonst a 50 000 strong blue army rather than a 40 000 strong sea of red bucket seats.

Was amazing, considered supporting the Bulls for about 8 seconds and then remembered the greats i could not leave behind. Earl Rose, Dusty Noble, Lawrence Sephake, Jannes Labascaghne. Anyway, Bulls won, was fun, good luck. That is NOT what this is about...

Its about the underdogs, the ones who run around the world eating up competition and hi-fiving the South African flag on jealous international audience's faces. (remember, you are either South African or International, its like being right or wrong, you cant be both.) In particular, i had the fortune of coming across miss Angelika Schriber. Apart from murdering waters with class and setting new standards when it comes to wakeboarding, she is busy completing her tertiary education from her base in Cairns.

As if this isn't enough, it wont be long before product endorsements and interviews have her banging down your newstands and favourite internet sites. Keep your eyes peeled, bragging rights abound, one day she'll be back on the vaal. Till then, check the comments box for links to her stylish, bitchin wins.

You got served.

Mr. Gayle as proffesional as it was, fulfilling your IPL obligations and being available for the West Indies vs England test, you only arrived for the series the day before it began. It was only when you mouthed off at England captain Andrew Strauss about his performance in other formats of the game that i thought you may be in over your head. And indeed your team was humbled in one of the most one sided matches since Bangladesh entered the test arena in 2000.


Oh well, good luck with the One-day series. South Africans will no doubt be watching the conclusion of the IPL and Penultimate weekend of Super 14. But all in all i think American Idol stole the show this week. Even in pubs on Saturday afternoon I have no doubt men will unashamedly discuss the epic saga that was AMERICAN IDOL. Sadly it showed the world how a series should be made, and that maybe the show should be left to them alone, as everyone else is simply taking from it.

I feel similarly about Earl Rose who, as i suspected, was selected for the SA Training squad named to face Namibian Invitation XV. He should not only be stopped from playing rugby before he single handedly leads to Lions Super 15 relegation but he should be prosecuted for crimes against our beloved past-time. Anyway, Bulls by 10, Canes by 8.

I feel robbed.

The Super 14 Group stages, along with the fleeting hanging ons of summer, came to an end this weekend. After picking the Waratahs to whip the Lions at Coca cola park on Friday night, the men in red actually came to play. Now im not objective when it comes to the Lions but i seriously feel that under another ref the game may have ended poorly for the touring side. Anyways, im leaving that one alone.

The main agenda of regular South African pub banter was focused on the injustices and inconsistencies surrounding the discaplinary hearings and citings of malicious and dangerous play. Actually, the only consistency shown has been that South African players recieve different, more harsh punishments for their indescretions. And now that we have made enough noise about it for the International Rugby community to listen, Bakkies Botha flat hands Kankowski- reminding the world why they are unsympathetic when it comes to Springbok whinging.

Over and above that, i just cant wait to see how the lock and 8th man combine when they share the green and gold. On the green n gold, some people think Earl Rose deserves a shot. I think those people should be shot, or at least they should be banned from watching the game or speaking about it. He is the only player who ever had the prestige of having an editing team make a montage of his mistakes in a single game, during the game. It was worth about 45 seconds of fumbles, missed tackles, wild passing and kicking out on the full. If "Loffie" hadn't put him on the wing and my girlfriend hadn't made half the Highlanders backline drunk the night before at a popular Joburg night spot, the lions could have lost that one too.

And would you believe it, people are backing Watson again. He is good, but good amongst 6 phenomenal players in the same slot, leaves him looking less likely to be selected in my eyes. But hey, the way things have been going Earl and Puke might be in, im just really glad that at the end of the day Clever is American, they might have found some reason to include him ahead of Smith at number 7.